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leaving_town09

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Do I want it or not? Do I search for it or let it come to me? If it did find me would I welcome it?

How long will this conflict go on?

Do I want a relationship?
Sometimes. Not always.

Is there anybody in my life right now that I'd try with?
Maybe. Not really. There is ONE guy but the chances are very small.

Do I take a chance or play it safe? Do I keep a cold heart when it comes to dating? Or do I welcome it, and hurt, with open arms?

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I feel like all I do lately is work. Soon school will start, and that comes with more work. It seems like your whole life you dream of things and when they finally get here they are not what you expect. AT ALL!

exp 1: Prom- you dream of the perfect dress, the perfect date and the best night. You go dateless in a hideous dress and win prom queen by default and there is no prom king.

exp 2: turning 18- you bream of FREEDOM. escape from your parents and start a life of your own. you get to move out just to find out that you cant do it and are forced to move back in and live in hell a second time. OH AND BILLS!!!

exp 3: college- you dream of parties friends ad fun! you get loans OVERPRICED text books and hangovers with nights you know if you remembered you'd regret.

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I really am beginning to think that I'm meant to go through life alone. I seriously don't know whats become of us. When did we start judging one another. Arguing over trivial things? I miss the times when all we shared were laughs and our serious conversations. When we gave advice instead of judgment. Whats wrong with me? My very first best friend moved away and now no matter how I try to keep in touch she doesn't try in return. And now we are falling apart too. its not just you its me too. The thing that saddens me most is that I don't even know how to talk to you about it.
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hello live journal, its been a while dear friend! Oh how things change in a years time! God I need you more now then EVER!
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Do you know what its like...

When you lust for things you know you shouldn't... I'm there.
Being told your lost by people you respect... I'm there.
Committing a Random Act of Kindness when your having a bad day... I'm there.
When your heart is full of love for someone who hurts it over and over again... I'm there.
Making new friends... I'm there.
Falling for someone who you thought was falling for you, only to find out that he basically used you... I'm there.
Learning about yourself... I'm there.
Trying to save friendships that are falling apart... I'm there.
Realizing your best friend doesn't know the first thing about you... I'm there.
Wanting/Waiting something you know you shouldn't... I'm there.
To become closer to God every day... I'm there.
To be completely confused, yet at peace, with where your life is going... I'm there.
To rediscover the you that you lost... I'm there.
Realizing that you can move on... I'm there.
Knowing your doing the right thing... I'm there.
TRUSTING IN THE LORD... I DO IT EVERY DAY!

We all struggle in life. Remember that you're not alone. Just keep LOVING Jesus!
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Over the next few months I plan on finding myself. Who I am and who I'm dentin to become. I'm not going to make contact with anyone and I'm not sure where I'll find myself. By the time the fall of 2010 rolls around I will be back in Michigan. That is the one stipulation. I have until then to find the person God wants me to become. Through lots of prayers and isolation I will walk with and listen to God. He will not stear me wrong. I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I know this is the best thing for me right now after the week that I had.
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What if...???
What if I never saw that message?
What if we were actually in love?
What if I said no to going on that date with you?
What if you never left her?
And I never left him?
What if I never accepted the scholarship?
What if you actually meant everything you said?
What if things with you weren't so perfect?
What if you actually returned my feelings, instead of only pretended to.
What if I never came to Tennessee?
What if I was like everyone else in my family?
What if fairy tales really did come true?

I know. I wouldn't have a heart that has been broken TWICE!
*SIGH* you both still know exactly how to make me hurt so badly
PLEASE JUST STOP!

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Today, I went from 'Walking on Sunshine' to 'Rock Bottom'. Prince charming broke my already glued together heart. Crushed me and didn't even seem to care. I trust him and all I ask is for his honesty. I just want him to tell me one of two things. 1) We are JUST friends or 2) I do have feelings. We all know what I wish he would say but if that is not how he feels I'll let it go... It will be a challenge but I can do it... I just need to move forward with life. No matter how badly it hurts.
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They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss.

You turn 18 and move out. Your an adult now, at least that's what the law tells you. get a job, get an education, start a family, life is peachy. that's the ideal, but we don't live in an ideal world. my life is anything but ideal right now. I feel so lost and confused. My grades in college are not what I'm use to. I'm in love with someone I can never be with, I'm not even sure he returns my feelings. My friends all stayed close to one another, they have a life together that goes on with out me. when I go home to visit I feel like the outsider. They have their funny jokes that at one point I would have been in on too, but not I'm lost when they say things like "9 wawsaz". I feel bad ruining their laugh to ask the underlying joke. My family has gone on with life too. I feel like I'm living a life that no one is apart of anymore. Like I'm all alone. Like it's me against the WORLD. There are forces pulling me in many directions right now (home, success, stability, happiness, friendship, loneliness, companionship) and I'm finding it hard to choose which path to take. Each has its own pros and cons. The big problem is that I cant choose which one has all the pros that weigh more than the pros of all the other options. I want to take the advice of Robert Frost and follow the road less traveled by but I'm on that road now and most of the time I feel like I'm suffocating. All of this leaves me in a state of confusion that is... Well, confusing. I'm not sure I like where I am.

I just wish I could go back in time to when I was happy.
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Lately I've just been living life because there is nothing else to do. The ideal would have been that I'd have made friends by now. Someone to go out with on weekends. Someone to go do random things with. But i haven't. I've become somewhat of a recluse. I've lost myself in this world. Everything that has made me who I am. I've lost it all. I've lost love. I've lost friends. I've lost me. I'm not me when I'm in Nashville. I don't laugh. I don't do anything but school and ROTC. what I need is a friend. my problem is I don't know how to fit in. I just don't know what to do any more.
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